*knock knock knock
I crack open the door because my stomach sticks out too far for me to check the peep hole.
MAN #1: "you have been chosen"
Me: "cool, chosen for what"
MAN #2: "we need you to write the script... the college baseball script"
Me: "can I have Mercer win the College World Series"
MAN #1: "regional at best... do NOT even think about putting them in a Super"
MAN #2: "same goes for Vanderbilt. People like to root for their heartbreak."
Me: "okay, understood. Now how much do I get paid for this?"
MAN #2: "We will promote your PATREON page, and make sure your supa hot fiya merch will sell on your STORE"
Me: "fair enough... go ahead and make the call to Sydney Sweeney"
MAN #1: "for what"
Me: "you'll see... read the script"
THE SCRIPT:
This must be signed and returned by all 301 teams before February 16th at 11:00am eastern
Last season was a huge success. We convinced Paul Skenes to leave his 8 year commitment to the United States Air Force to become the best college baseball pitcher in recent memory. On top of that, he wins a national championship and kisses viral LSU Gymnast, Livvy Dunne, on the field in Omaha. That moment was so perfect that the NFL script writers copied our script and just replaced Skenes and Dunne with Kelce and Swift.
This season we are going to go bigger. We have no choice.
Here are 10 things that are going to happen:
-ECU makes Omaha and Mr. Beast flies the whole city of Greenville, NC to the CWS and rents out the entire Omaha Zoo for everyone instead of a hotel. He also gives 11Point7 a briefcase with $100,000 cash.
-Nick Kurtz forced to change his name to Nicholas Kurtz after an announcer has a slip up.
-Tommy White gets off to a slow start, but it all turns around after he shows up to the field with a Ben McDonald square buzz cut. He then goes nuclear and wins the Golden Spikes.
-The city of Boston approves of a vote to let Northeastern host a regional at Fenway Park, and makes the last place Red Sox play at Northeastern's field.
-Brian Bohannon gets hired on for ESPN Squeeze Play with Mike Rooney and keeps making them switch to the Coastal Carolina regional because he has the over 19.5 runs in the Georgia Tech vs Dallas Baptist game
-Jac Caglianone comes out as right-hand dominant in a sad sit down interview with ESPN's Marty Smith. He appologizes to the world for pretending to be left-hand dominant.
-Oregon State reveals a 2025 and 2026 Pac 12 Championship banners their last home weekend series since they will be the only Pac 12 team those years.
-D1 Baseball starts drug testing Kendall Rogers for Diet Coke. He quits drinking them, and then he starts growing hair.
-Wright State makes the Stanford regional, and the local Democrats protest the game because they think their name is "Right State"
-Sydney Sweeney can't get her FLO Sports login to work, so she goes to Oregon State vs Arkansas game in person and watches Hagen Smith pitch. Smith pitches a complete game shutout and the game ends on foul pop up to Smith, and he tosses the ball to Sweeney. They start dating. Umpire Reggie Drummer is then assigned to all Friday Night Arkansas games. Smith has just as dominant of a year as Skenes. Arkansas wins College World Series and Hagen Smith becomes #1 overall pick in the MLB Draft.
*knock knock knock
I crack open the door because my stomach sticks out too far for me to check the peep hole.
MAN #1: "you have been chosen"
Me: "cool, chosen for what"
MAN #2: "we need you to write the script... the college baseball script"
Me: "can I have Mercer win the College World Series"
MAN #1: "regional at best... do NOT even think about putting them in a Super"
MAN #2: "same goes for Vanderbilt. People like to root for their heartbreak."
Me: "okay, understood. Now how much do I get paid for this?"
MAN #2: "We will promote your PATREON page, and make sure your supa hot fiya merch will sell on your STORE"
Me: "fair enough... go ahead and make the call to Sydney Sweeney"
MAN #1: "for what"
Me: "you'll see... read the script"
THE SCRIPT:
This must be signed and returned by all 301 teams before February 16th at 11:00am eastern
Last season was a huge success. We convinced Paul Skenes to leave his 8 year commitment to the United States Air Force to become the best college baseball pitcher in recent memory. On top of that, he wins a national championship and kisses viral LSU Gymnast, Livvy Dunne, on the field in Omaha. That moment was so perfect that the NFL script writers copied our script and just replaced Skenes and Dunne with Kelce and Swift.
This season we are going to go bigger. We have no choice.
Here are 10 things that are going to happen:
-ECU makes Omaha and Mr. Beast flies the whole city of Greenville, NC to the CWS and rents out the entire Omaha Zoo for everyone instead of a hotel. He also gives 11Point7 a briefcase with $100,000 cash.
-Nick Kurtz forced to change his name to Nicholas Kurtz after an announcer has a slip up.
-Tommy White gets off to a slow start, but it all turns around after he shows up to the field with a Ben McDonald square buzz cut. He then goes nuclear and wins the Golden Spikes.
-The city of Boston approves of a vote to let Northeastern host a regional at Fenway Park, and makes the last place Red Sox play at Northeastern's field.
-Brian Bohannon gets hired on for ESPN Squeeze Play with Mike Rooney and keeps making them switch to the Coastal Carolina regional because he has the over 19.5 runs in the Georgia Tech vs Dallas Baptist game
-Jac Caglianone comes out as right-hand dominant in a sad sit down interview with ESPN's Marty Smith. He appologizes to the world for pretending to be left-hand dominant.
-Oregon State reveals a 2025 and 2026 Pac 12 Championship banners their last home weekend series since they will be the only Pac 12 team those years.
-D1 Baseball starts drug testing Kendall Rogers for Diet Coke. He quits drinking them, and then he starts growing hair.
-Wright State makes the Stanford regional, and the local Democrats protest the game because they think their name is "Right State"
-Sydney Sweeney can't get her FLO Sports login to work, so she goes to Oregon State vs Arkansas game in person and watches Hagen Smith pitch. Smith pitches a complete game shutout and the game ends on foul pop up to Smith, and he tosses the ball to Sweeney. They start dating. Umpire Reggie Drummer is then assigned to all Friday Night Arkansas games. Smith has just as dominant of a year as Skenes. Arkansas wins College World Series and Hagen Smith becomes #1 overall pick in the MLB Draft.
